Coming Back
by ArgentNoelle
Summary: Spock is alive again. But the problem is, he doesn't really know who he is anymore. ... . ... . ... companion story to 'Returning'
1. You

I wrote this a while ago, after I watched The Voyage Home and I was trying to sort of figure out what was going on with Spock in it so I wrote all these little things. This is the first one, it's across between a song and a poem. And... it's about Spock and Kirk. I wanted to put McCoy in the story somewhere, but he wouldn't write himself. He never does. Anyway... well.

* * *

You  
Are the first person I remember when I awake  
They say that I was dead  
But I don't remember it  
My mind is a blank, clean slate.

They have explained little  
They say that they will teach me all they can  
Until my memory comes back

But I don't know who I am  
But I don't know who I was  
But I don't recognize my name  
Or these people all around me

They stare at me, some of them  
As if waiting

But I don't know what to give  
But I don't know anything  
But I don't know where I am  
But I don't know who I am

There is silence in the air  
there is such solemnity

I don't want any of it  
I just don't know what else to do

And then I am ushered past  
and you are different  
all standing in a line  
looking at me with open eyes and open minds

But I cannot speak your language  
and my mind can't understand  
and my tongue is silenced  
all I can do is stand

And then I make my first decision  
in this new life  
and I turn around  
and they let me, because they know I don't know anything  
because they know  
I don't know it's not what they wanted  
because they know  
I don't know it's not proper  
it's not right

And because, I think,  
because of who I am

Because of who I was.

But I am not stupid  
already I can tell things  
from the way the people stand  
from there eyes  
from their minds  
from their hands

And you are different  
all standing in a line  
and you are bright and fearless  
and you have chosen to turn around, all of you, like me.

And they say you did it all for me.

And somehow, I know You will be there.  
I didn't even know I was searching for You  
until I looked at every face  
and felt everybody's mind  
and there was something I needed  
but I didn't know what

Until I saw You  
standing there  
at the end  
of the line  
and your eyes  
shone bright  
and you looked at me with hope  
and I knew  
it was You  
and when I said nothing  
I saw the hope slowly fading from your eyes

And that was my first brush with tragedy  
because I couldn't let you down  
And so I needed to speak  
so you would understand

Because they said  
that you can't speak with minds  
like we do  
and I don't know of any 'we'  
because it's not them I feel close to

And then it comes  
a language  
different from the ones They spoke  
but I cannot understand it  
but that doesn't matter  
because I know You will.

'my father says that you are my friend.'

And my tongue is freed  
and I speak  
and you answer  
so you speak again  
and I answer  
and then you say something new  
and it has meaning  
as the others didn't  
meanings I don't understand.  
'Because the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.'

You ask me 'don't you remember?'  
and I look into your mind  
and find the question  
and then I have to answer.

And then a thought comes into my mind  
and it is strange and exhilarating  
because this is a word I once knew.  
And I say it.

"Jim. You're name, is Jim."

And you smile  
and then I have my first brush with happiness  
because your happiness  
infects me,  
and I seem to float  
on air.

.

.

.


	2. I

I

Part I.

I don't know who I am.

There are memories that float in my mind

Sometimes clear

Sometimes hazy and indistinct

But always they seem to belong

To someone else.

.

This man

Who I once was

He was a great man

And you all want me to be him for you.

.

But I can't be, don't you understand?

If I knew, don't you think I wouldn't ask?

.

I want to be this man

As much as you want me to be this man

And none more than you, Jim, Admiral, Captain.

.

You knew me better than anyone in the universe, I am told.

And I think it is true.

Because you are the last person I saw before I died

And the first person I remembered when I was born

And I know I would do anything for you

You are my universe.

…

.

Part II.

Sometimes I just wish you would all stop bothering me

Stop expecting things of me that I cannot give

Just let me do my job. I can do that. I need no traitorous memories for that.

.

And sometimes I am afraid

I will never be that man again

And sometimes I think

I never want to be that man again

Because it is too hard.

.

And if it wasn't for you, I would be content.

And yet it is you who save me.

.

And if it wasn't for you, I would be dead

And sometimes I think that would have been the better deal

Because I may not be who you want me to be

But I still know that I will live longer than any of you.

.

Fragile human, you live and then die so fast.

.

And I don't want to have to grieve for you.

Couldn't you grieve for me instead?

You, who have all the answers?

.

.

.


	3. Frustration

I envy myself.  
I envy the person I used to be  
so self-assured, so relaxed,  
cool and calm  
always knowing the right thing to say.  
_Because I never know the right thing to say  
the right thing to do._  
I envy myself.  
So content  
even—what do you humans call it? Happy?  
dare I think it?  
it is a betrayal of all things Vulcan to admit out loud  
what should be kept inside.  
And yet I do not feel very Vulcan.  
I used to have a path of my own  
I used to feel part of something  
I used to belong.  
Now I do not belong anymore  
except with this ragtag band of pirates  
and even here I feel as if I am the piece  
that was cut out wrong.  
I envy myself.  
My mother says there is something I need  
which cannot be taught  
and this man-who-I-once-was  
had it.  
I have no path now  
and all I can do is follow you  
and ask you to make me understand  
because you, my Captain, know me better than anyone.

Oh? Well then why can you answer none of my questions?  
Why can you explain nothing to me?  
Why do you keep asking me to remember  
as if memory was something you could turn on and off, like a light?

Some people say  
we were the greatest friends ever seen, that we would die for each other  
some say we were more than that  
so I ask you  
because surely you would know?  
and you give me an answer this time, at least  
we were just friends.  
It is not much of an answer.

.

.

.


	4. Trust

Trust

I am following you blindly  
and you keep rushing on ahead  
You keep forgetting who I am not anymore  
and every time you remember, I sense your disappointment.

I should be angry with you, and sometimes I am,  
but I follow you because I need you  
and because, strange as it may seem  
I know you will never really leave me behind  
you will always come back.

.

.

.


	5. Acceptance

Acceptance

It is strange, but  
even though I still feel  
as if I am on an ice floe in the middle an arctic river  
I no longer feel as if I am on it alone.

.

.

.


	6. How I Feel

How I Feel

When I left Vulcan  
my mother asked me how I felt  
through the testing machine.  
I didn't have an answer.

Now I have one.  
I think I understand now what she meant  
when she asked me.

I don't feel content, or happy.  
I know it will be a long road  
to being who I was  
and maybe I will never get there.

But I will have friends  
To help me on my way,  
Friends who will never let me down  
because that's what friends are for.

"Tell her,  
I feel fine."

.

.

.


End file.
